Oh, Lonely Girl. Society is a trial for you, is it not? And yet, and yet. You yearn for companionship. Not for a true friend, each lonely girl is blessed with one of those, instantly recognizable as a kindred spirit, or at least after a week or two. And not for the company of a group, which you disdain, choosing instead the company of a wealth of literary characters to walk beside you on your everyday journeys, even though they are lousy for parties.
No, Lonely Girl. What you crave is a romantic suitor. A Captain Wentworth, a Gilbert Blythe, a Heathcliff (if you're a bit of a masochistic lonely girl.) Sadly, they are not easily come by, especially by the likes of you, who can at turns appear aloof, enraged, or deaf/mute.
This, Lonely Girl, is designed to be the definitive guide to get you your man, that elusive combination of Mr. Darcy's looks, Mr.Bingley's charm, Mr. Rochester's money, and Romeo's undying devotion. Try following these simple suggestions. It may not work, but your other option is living out your days covered in cat hair, so it's at least worth a try.
WALKING THE LINE.
No, Lonely Girl, don't go all Johnny Cash on me, although it might be good to hum the tune as a reminder when you are in the proximity of your prospective lover. Under your breath, of course. The Fine Line I speak of refers to your behavior. As you probably already know, the Lonely Girl in love will generally exhibit one of two forms of behavior:
1. She will ignore the young man, to the point of not responding in the event when he speaks to her.
2. She will completely overpower the young man, expressing her undying devotion before he even asks for her number.
Lonely Girl, neither of these is an acceptable, or indeed effective, ploy to snag yourself a fella. Here are a few simple rules which can be easily applied, and please keep in mind that they are most efficacious when employed all at once.
1. If he says hello to you, smile pleasantly and return the greeting. You may even inquire after his health, although do remember
that it is then HIS turn to speak.
2. If you are speaking with a group of which he is a member, it is perfectly acceptable to make eye contact with him. Do not
pretend that he is some sort of amorphous jellyfish that doesn't like to be singled out now and then.
3. Be aware of EQUALITY. If you have spoken to everyone else in a particular setting, do not make the mistake of not including
him. He will think you are a cold fish, and this is to be avoided.
4. On the other hand, do not go overboard. When putting on one's face, try and imagine that you are getting ready for an event
at which your intended will not be attending. This will, hopefully, prevent you from trying out ill-advised shades of eyeliner, fake
eyelashes, or bizarre hairstyles. The same approach should be used in the selection of apparel.
5. When speaking to him, avoid the word 'love' altogether. Because once a Lonely Girl starts using it, she often finds it hard to
stop, and more than one unfortunate soul has found herself on the slippery slope from "I love horseradish" to "I love teensy
weensy babies" to "YOU, YOU, I LOVE YOU!!"
6. DO NOT resort to the style of trickery used by readers of 'certain ladies' magazines' (although 'ladies' is a bit of a stretch). You
will gain nothing by dusting your cleavage with sparkle-dust, or wearing his favorite color, or accepting all of the drinks he buys
you and throwing up in his lap. Do not flirt with his friends to make him jealous, touch his elbow every time he speaks, or
repeatedly run your hands through your bangs. This will only leave you with unwanted attention, his suspicion that you might
have a tic, and oily hair.
7. This is a good time to bring up the most important tip. BE YOURSELF. If he likes football and YOU like football, ask him about football. If he likes football and you don't, ask him if he's ever done anything more interesting with his time. If you're more
comfortable in a tent-like faux-maternity smock than a little black dress, you just go ahead and wear that smock. Unless you're
at the opera. Then you have to wear the dress. (Please see the upcoming Lonely Girls' Guide to Sartorial Matters.) If you're
feeling peckish, don't even think of getting that salad. Get the burger you were hoping for.
The most important thing for a Lonely Girl is to like herself, and if she exhibits this quality it will become apparent to the young man who is her target, and he will soon think to himself, "Why, goodness, this young lady seems awfully interesting. She is articulate and passionate, and, although she may have a few tendencies I have never quite seen before, I do like that sort of gumption in a girl. I think I will ask her to a poetry reading." And he will. Although you will say "No, I think poetry readings are a bit passe, let's go do something else, like take a walk and go to odd little out of the way places." And he will say, "Of course, my darling, of course."
(And don't forget: when you do find that perfect gentleman who complements all of your oddities, Poppycock would appreciate a testimonial attributing your success to the Lonely Girls' Guide to Flirting.)
