Dreams 101

Troubled by dreams? It’s no surprise. Things that have their own proper and distinct meanings in reality become frightening and confusing once you go to sleep. In this excerpt from the new book from Poppycock Enterprises, Ltd., Vexing Dreams and What to Do About Them, you will see at a glance that it is a comprehensive tome that will soon allay any fears you may have about your nocturnal visions. Take a look…

If you dream about…

A UNION SUIT -- To dream of a union suit is a unique symbol that is generally accepted as a PROPHECY that a painful amputation is in your future. The unionsuit is your subconscious mind's (ultimately doomed) attempt to keep the body intact.

CHAIN SMOKING -- You always had the sneaking suspicion that your mother favoured your little sister over you; well, that suspicion was well founded. Moreover, you're adopted. If, in the dream, you were able to break the habit of chain-smoking, your birth family lives in a well-heeled subdivision of Ottawa. If you were not able to wrench yourself from the clutches of nicotine, sadly, your family perished 13 years ago in a fire at their trailer park in the Ozarks.

A THIMBLE DISPLAY CASE -- Thimble display cases denote intense or obsessive self-defensiveness in your life. The idea of shielding (in a display case) an object which also shields (your thumb) is far too much shielding and you need to calm down and be vulnerable for a minute or two every day.

HAIRBALLS -- You'd better get yourself to an emergency room, stat, because it is entirely likely that you have been munching on your hair in your sleep. Take a look in the mirror. I was right, wasn't I?

A MONGOLIAN WEIGH STATION -- A Mongolian weigh station is a frequent and significant theme in the dreams of Mongolian weigh station attendants.

A STAPLER -- You feel trapped in your loveless marriage. This will become a recurring dream. It is imperative that you train yourself not to fear this stapler (it is most likely quite large) and under no circumstances attempt to remove any staples which, in the dream, you will most likely see under your fingernails. That would be disastrous for your waking life. It is impossible to say how, but studies have shown that staples removed from under one's fingernails in dreams inevitably have dire consequences in reality, especially as regards your spouse's neck.

SEMOLINA -- To dream of semolina symbolizes abject blandness or blankness of mind, often due to too much or too little work. It may also represent an unspoken fear of Italian grandmothers.

EGGS -- You should be able to figure this one out for yourself, but since you obviously can't, here goes. Your biological clock is ticking so loudly that you can't think straight long enough to trap yourself a significant other. Go get yourself a copy of "The Rules" and get down to business before your womb is as barren as the Gobi Desert. If you have this dream more than once, you're looking at a window of about six months. If you have it three times, you might want to look into single parent adoption.

KANSAS -- Dreaming of Kansas is a Dorothy Galesque longing for happier and/or simpler times, when witches rode bikes, not brooms, and tornadoes ravaged the land. Alternatively, a dream of Kansas may also be an indirect symbol of Arkansas.

PLAYING THE PIANO -- You're in love with your father.

CRACKED TEACUPS -- Many people have dreams about their teeth falling out. You, on the other hand, have dreams about cracked teacups. It's alright, it just means that you're different. YOU WILL NEVER BE LIKE THE OTHERS. YOU are the cracked teacup. But think about it this way -- they are the missing teeth. Now which one would you really rather be?

ELVIS PRESLEY -- (see also, CHAIN SMOKING and MEDALLIONS) There are three generally acknowledged types of Elvis Presley dreams. If you dream of a. youthful, new-on-the-music-scene Elvis, you probably have some sort of dark secret that you are repressing, one that you most likely keep somewhere in your closet, cough cough. And you should let it out. If you dream of b. wartime Elvis, you crave a sense of order in your life. Be careful though, you don't want to over organize. If you dream of c. fat, greasy Elvis....have you ever spoken to anyone about a living will?

A FROZEN CHICKEN -- Another common dream symbol that can represent a variety of things, depending on different factors. See the below questions to determine what your personal frozen chicken means.

-- Are you anorexic? That's no frozen chicken, that's you.
-- Are you left-handed? You will always struggle with your feelings of inadequacy.
-- Is the chicken sitting in a pool of liquid? You have food poisoning.
-- Do you speak French? It's coq au vin to you.
-- Are you bullied at school? See above for Are you anorexic?

MISMATCHED SHOES -- Mismatched shoes are commonly thought to be representative of traumatic childhood events since buried in the annals of memory. If you're close with your siblings, or still maintain contact with childhood friends, it might be a good idea to talk with them and see if they remember anything out of the ordinary. Don't bother calling your parents, you most likely never told them, and if you did, you'll just get a lecture on whatever heinous thing you did.