It is once again time for the Poppycock Institute for Tropical Maladies to release a comprehensive, A to Z list of the most obscure, yet highly devastating diseases, syndromes, and neurological disorders on the face of the planet. Our team of researchers have scoured the corners of the globe for the tiniest microbe that you, Poppycock Reader, could be in danger of. Please, if you find yourself suffering from any of the symptoms mentioned here, seek help immediately. And pack plenty of books, because you’re going to be in the hospital a long, long time.
Acute Pepysm: a mental deficiency leading one to believe that one’s inner thoughts are of the utmost importance, and must be recorded for posterity. Sufferers are likely to be found scribbling on receipts, bookmarks, and other scraps of paper which they will be reluctant to part with.
Blue blush: Lonely girls are highly susceptible to Blue blush syndrome, which comes as a consequence to repeated embarrassing situations. Instead of blushing an attractive pinkish hue, the patient will turn a deathly pale blue. Don’t call an ambulance, she’s just sad. Unfortunately, the only effective treatment at this point is total seclusion.
Cranial madidus: Literally, boiled skull. The most recognizable symptom is a soft, squishy spot on the back of the head, caused by too much reclining against a variety of soft pillows, generally while reading epic historical sagas.
Dissociative bibliophilia: Characterized by an intense devouring of books, to the extent that the sufferer will read the same book over and over, unaware that it has been read numerous times already (while inconvenient at times, may not actually be a detrimental syndrome, just a time-consuming one).
Eglantine sensitivity: A pervasive allergy to roses and all products made thereof, especially bouquets of one dozen red roses presented to the sufferer in lieu of romantic creativity. Sufferers are often heard to remark that roses “smell bad”.
Febrile foot: Most often occurs in quiet, bookish girls placed in an uncomfortable situation. Instead of being able to merely extricate herself from said situation, the girl in question goes into a trance-like state, with all energies poured into a constantly moving, and subsequently feverish, left foot. May be exhibited through bobbing, tapping, jiggling, shaking, etc.
Galloping Wolfism: A hereditary tendency to over-dramatize the teensiest little thing, like, say, a simple trip to a lighthouse, or the events of a day before a garden party. Outbursts of histrionics are not uncommon, and patients often romanticize certain of their physical features, a large proboscis.
Hebridean mouth: A peculiar branch of Tourette Syndrome, wherein the afflicted hurl insults and obscenities with a pronounced Scottish accent.
Ichthygenufidelia: The persistent belief that one has fish-like knees. Intense psychotherapy is necessary to convince patients that their knees are not covered with iridescent scales.
Jujube syndrome: A little understood dental affliction which results in the slow sticky-fication of teeth until they are merely little white lumps melting down the gums.
Kimchispiritus: Chronic pickle-breath.
Lawrence’s dilemma: A particularly nasty form of depression. Involves a lot of mooning about in nature, leaning one’s head against trees in despair, and muttering the word “loins” to oneself.
Moby’s lament: Male pattern baldness, accompanied by a perverse desire to be clad only in tracksuits and be pretentious. Irreversible.
Netherfield pull: The all-consuming desire to live on a 19th-century English estate. Sufferers will result to any means necessary, often resulting in complete bankruptcy, followed by total nervous breakdown.
Optic Selleckaphilia: A hallucinatory disorder characterized by constant visions of Tom Selleck in one’s everyday life. Generally affecting women, victims have been known to put themselves in highly dangerous situations, i.e. walking across train tracks, jumping into open elevator shafts, in the attempt to speak to one of these phantom Tom Sellecks.
Pantomorbidity: Exceedingly rare, but lethal, pantomorbidity is every single disease at one time. All of them. All at once. There’s nothing you can do for that.
Quivering limb: A nervous condition brought on by minor stress, resulting in twitching, bird-like movements of all limbs, although it is most concentrated in flapping hand gestures.
Rushdian egomania: A belief that one’s talents are infallible. The onset of the disorder is difficult to pinpoint, as the afflicted present such a sweet, sleepy-eyed countenance that any bragging is initially overlooked.
Sea salt hysteria: A digestive abnormality in which the stomach cannot process sea salt in foods, instead reacting as if the body were drowning. In the event of a sea salt hysteria incidence, perform CPR, place the victim in a life jacket, and wait for the sea rescue team to arrive.
Toxic tender foot: A skin sensitivity leaving the top of the foot, rather than the bottom, susceptible to tickling. Most worryingly, this is generally paired with an overactive set of reflexes, and has resulted in several unsuspecting ticklers being kicked in the face.
Umbrellamnesia: The inability to remember to bring an umbrella when leaving the house, or to retrieve on that has been left elsewhere. A more serious ailment that one would think, as it may result in an increased number of colds resulting from hours spent in wet clothing.
Varius capillus: A head of both straight and curly hair in one, sometimes the straight and curly bits will change places with no notice at all, making hairdressing a trial.
Winnow-fidget: Another nervous disorder, evidenced by the compulsive peeling of labels, stickers, decals, tape, etc. from any item that presents itself. Is more annoying to those around the sufferer than to the actual sufferer.
Xerophobia: Fear of donuts.
Yeats’ delusion: A mental affliction in which the patient believes that for many years of one’s life they have been wildly in love with an unattainable Irish woman named Maud.
Zimmerconsistence: Related to the Japanese phenomenon Hikikomori, this is the German version of the malady wherein reclusive young men retreat from society, eventually regressing through varying degrees of isolation until they refuse to leave their bedrooms. Unlike in Japan, German sufferers can usually be lured out after two or three hours by their mother’s wienerschnitzel.
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