Poppycock-Approved Apps

Now and then, Poppycock Enterprises, Ltd. has been accused of not moving with the times. One would think that, steeped in literary tradition as it is, Poppycock could be excused from such fripperies as technology. But, one must stay abreast of modern developments in order to bring the reading world the very newest writers, even though we would sometimes prefer just to stick to the old.

So although Poppycock prefers to use a 1915 Stromberg-Carlson candlestick telephone previously belonging to one Eugénie Renouf, a young lady who spurned Joseph Conrad’s affections, well, we understand that young people today would prefer to use an iPhone, a cold, history-less device with no nostalgia or romance about it. Fine. If that’s what they want, they can have their iPhones.

We do hope, however, that there are some conscientious young people who, while plunging into the frightening, somewhat devilish world of technology, would like to keep one foot firmly planted in the past. Poppycock has always done its best to bridge the gap between past and present, and yes, even delve a tiny bit into the future as well. Which is why today we bring you Poppycock-Approved Apps. Unfortunately, these are not actual apps which can be purchased as yet, as Poppycock obviously doesn’t know the first thing about programming or any of those other things. But, should some enterprising young soul care to invent them, why, we will be more than happy to endorse the following:

1. Middledarch: Do you love Middlemarch? Or course you do, lonely girl! Connect with other Middlemarch lovers with this app that alerts you to all lovers of George Eliot’s finest within a 5 mile radius. Never again spend a lonely evening wistfully wishing you were debating the virtues of Will Ladislaw versus Tertius Lydgate, or just why Rosamund is such a simpering idiot. What are you, Mr. Casaubon?

2. PR Generator: That doesn’t stand for public relations, that stands for Pre-Raphaelite! This nifty little app requires just a few simple photos of yourself to be uploaded, and then prepare to have your lovely face inserted into all your favorite Brotherhood portraits! Do you fancy yourself as Ophelia or more of a Proserpine? Do you like the fellow in The Hireling Shepherd, or is it the Knight Errant you fancy? Pop yourself in the painting and find out!

3. Lonely Publet: Care for a drink at your local, but don’t feel like dealing with your fellow clientele? The Lonely Publet app finds bars and restaurants in your area where you can get a drink and read your book in peace. Bonus: Purchase of this app comes with a complimentary “Do Not Disturb” sign to hang around your neck.

4. The Petticoater: Are you going for a shapely Victorian nanny look or heading to Shibuya for the afternoon? The Petticoater will determine just how many petticoats that outfit requires.

5. Fantasy BBC Miniseries: Mix and match your favorite costume drama regulars with your favorite classic authors and historical characters in this literary take on fantasy sports leagues. Compete against other players: your epic yet staid Rossetti family biopic starring Shirley Henderson and Rufus Sewell as Christina and Dante could be pitted against a radical retelling of “Jude the Obscure” with Cillian Murphy and that girl from “North and South” as desperate hipster cousins with nowhere to turn in modern-day Williamsburg. So choose wisely.

6. Cranford: A near-genius app. When used in conjunction with a heart monitor, your phone will be able to recognize those pulse-raising situations in your life which merit an audio clip of “This is Cranford!” A less important situation may merit an Imelda Staunton or Eileen Atkins, but for key moments in your life, only Judi Dench will do.

7. The Bravery Substitute: A little shy, are we? Suffer no more! Next time some rude peon on the subway tries to stand where you’re already standing, this app will have your back, and loudly proclaim, “Excuse me, good sir, but if you do not remove your man-bag from my kidney area forthwith, I shall have no other recourse but to give you a hearty shoving.” Other situational responses are included for line butters, cat callers, and middle-aged ladies on public transport who stare for no reason whatsoever.

8. Brontë Death Match: Lonely Girls like video games too. In this laudanum-fueled frenzy, it’s every Brontë for themselves as a quiet Haworth sitting room turns into the sort of bloodbath that can only result from sibling rivalry. Watch out, Bramwell has a switchblade.

9. The Budget Japanifier: I won’t even ask if you’ve always wished you were Japanese, I’m already pretty sure that’s the case. Living, dressing, eating, and playing like a Japanese girl has never been more expensive, but this app will help you find that Commes des Garcons frock for less, where to buy smoked squid in bulk, and precisely which minimalist salon will give you the sharpest razor cut-bangs for your buck.

10. AromaKindle: Poppycock doesn’t take the kindest view of the Kindle, although we admit that you can get an awful lot of books on that thing. But you cannot deny that it is missing one key element which gives the traditional book its romance: book smell. This nifty little app diffuses a subtle perfume from your phone, depending on the genre and era. Your Hemingways will be dusty and your Forsters with a touch of gin; Sir Walter Scott will make you sneeze and Jane Austen will smell of the libraries of your childhood. We can’t do anything about the cover though, or the fact that there is no lovely feel of pages, so we still recommend you just read a regular ol’ book.